50 Things That Tony Stark Can Never, Ever Do
by lightsthatguideus
Summary: "27. Tony is not allowed to tell Natasha that the mailman who flirts with Pepper may be a terrorist." Phil Coulson attempts to help out the next "babysitter" of the Avengers. Or, more specifically, he tries to help in the handling of everyone's favorite playboy.


_For anyone who doesn't understand some of the references on here, I'll give a quick explanation-_

_Fifty Shades of Grey: All in all, it's porn in a book._

_Faberry: A romantic combination of Quinn Fabray and Rachel Berry from _Glee.

_Tony and Peyton Manning: Two brothers who are both quarterbacks in the NFL (National Football League)_

_Rotten Tomatoes: A website which rates movies on their quality (e.g. _The Avengers_-93%, _Green Lantern_-27%)_

_Barney Stinson and Ted Mosby: Two characters from _How I Met Your Mother_; Barney is a playboy who attempts to assist Ted in, all in all, getting laid_

_I understand some of these were kind of hard to understand (or I might be over thinking it), but if you have any questions, just ask me at mad-hatters (two dashes) at Tumblr!_

* * *

1. Tony cannot watch season finales. If you allow him to do such, he'll either be extremely pleased, and gloat on about how he apparently predicted it before hand, or he'll get extremely frustrated, and throw a temper tantrum. While this is mostly harmless, Thor might see him, join in, and throw a hammer at the TV.

2. Delete any and all recordings of American Idol.

3. Tony cannot start a book club. More specifically, he cannot start a book club with Steve and Bruce. More specifically, they cannot read Fifty Shades of Grey. More specifically, he cannot force them to read aloud.

4. Tony cannot start a band. Why? Because Tony has no instrumental talent. At all. If you don't believe me, listen to the CD (that I assure you, he_ will _casually place on your dresser more than once) of the band he formed in college. Really, the fact that he called the band _Stark Naked _should be enough of a hint, though.

5. Tony cannot write fanfiction about the following subjects-himself, Faberry, himself and Anne Hathaway, Pepper, him traveling back in time with his father and the two going partying together, his thoughts on the Glee season finale (if you did not follow number one, then this will most surely occur), Clint and Natasha, Clint and Natasha during intercourse, or Clint and Natasha where Tony coincidentally walks in.

6. Tony cannot write fanfiction. Period.

7. Tony cannot put posters all over Manhattan offering to give away "An Avenger for a Day!" for twenty dollars. Nor is he allowed to add-"buy four, get one free!"

8. Tony cannot use the copy machine. Nor should he ever sit on it, for whatever reason.

9. Tony cannot take the rest of the Avengers to see "The Hunger Games," or else the following may proceed-Steve asking who "the dame with the arrows" is (he will get slapped, and we all know it really isn't his fault), Bruce hulking out when Rue gets killed, Thor questioning, "if Katniss succeeds in becoming victor, doesn't that mean that she is allowed to become king, and be polygamous?", Clint criticizing Jennifer Lawrence's arrow-holding technique, and you getting various pieces of popcorn stuck in your hair. Seriously. Just watch Harry Potter instead.

10. Tony cannot form a "Big Brother for a Day" association. It sounds nice, but what he means is that he'll arrive at the home, and help the younger brother beat up their elder one. Allow him to do so, and S.H.I.E.L.D. will most likely be sued. And it doesn't make it cool that Eli Manning was one of the clients, because Peyton's mad either way.

11. Tony is not allowed to host a Super Bowl party. He will more likely than not buy at least twenty bags of Chex Mix, eat them all (because, honestly, no one likes Chex Mix anymore), wake up in the morning, and complain that he got fat (basically, if you ever hear him say "30% less fat, my ass!", just buy him some Weight Watchers yogurt.)

12. Tony cannot sell Iron Man costumes at Halloween.

13. Tony cannot buy Steve a hooker.

14. Tony cannot set up a match dot com profile for Bruce. Nor can he put in the information box- "Bruce tends to have a little green monster on his back, but thankfully, all you have to do is play Elton John on a beach to calm him down" (also, Bruce hates Elton John.)

15. Tony cannot name Natasha "Playgirl of the Year."

16. Tony cannot attend a science convention without someone to accompany him. And that "someone" cannot be the following-Steve, a pizza guy, someone walking in at the same time as him, a blind man, a cut out of Zac Efron, or himself ("we're a two in one package baby!" is just a comment about his penis, don't fall for it.)

17. Tony cannot call Billie Piper and demand her to come back to Doctor Who. For whatever cost he offers her.

18. Tony cannot call J.K. Rowling and demand her to write another Harry Potter book. For whatever cost he offers her.

19. Tony cannot call Rotten Tomatoes and demand that The Proposal receives a higher rating. No matter how much he insists that Sandra Bullock deserves everything 90 and above.

20. Tony cannot start a pee-wee basketball team. Nor can he name it "Iron Clan."

21. Tony cannot show up at a pee-wee basketball game and sit behind the team. Even if it seems harmless, he will most likely steal the coach's clipboard and change the plays.

22. Tony cannot take Thor to any football game, because he knows what will happen. And I think you will, too.

23. Tony cannot appear at the MTV Movie Awards without being invited. Nor can he watch them on television, or he'll throw a tantrum. Nor can Thor watch with him, or he will never stop asking you, "Where should I find those popped corns of gold?"

24. Tony cannot start a Tumblr.

25. Tony cannot put on the Iron Man costume and hide in one of the Macy's displays to see if anyone recognizes him. It's pretty much harmless to society, but he'll come back looking like Charlie Brown (seriously; he'll carry the boom box around, complete with the music and everything.)

26. Tony cannot take Clint drinking the same night he has a date with Natasha. No matter what he says, he was aware of it.

27. Tony is not allowed to tell Natasha that the mailman who flirts with Pepper may be a terrorist.

28. Tony is not allowed to add "LTT ;)" at the end of his name on his driver's license; shortly, it stands for "License to Thrill *winky face*".

29. Tony is not allowed to add chemicals to his rose garden so that he wins the grand prize at the flower show.

30. Tony is never again allowed to attend the Manhattan Society of Floral Arts competition. Nor is he allowed to ever speak of it without clearing the fact that Mr. Kensey's lilies were the sure winner, and that he shouldn't question the judgement of the judges.

31. Tony is not allowed to paint "Nincompoop" on the toilet seats. At least, I hope you wouldn't let him do that either way.

32. Tony is not allowed to put his face on the toilet paper. However, if you do let this one accidentally slip, just remind him what people use toilet paper for.

33. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to join the Science Club at Lincoln High School. (Note: Send flowers along with an apology letter to the principal every other month.)

34. Tony is not allowed to make his own brand of cards and try to beat out Hallmark. Nor is he allowed to try to make his own Hallmark movie by taking clips of things from Forrest Gump and Field of Dreams and rearranging them together.

35. Tony is not allowed to set Agent Hill on a date with his dentist. No matter how many times he insists that "age is but a number." (The guy's eighty-two, don't let him fool you.)

36. Tony is not allowed to make a movie about himself. He is also not allowed to ask the following actors if they would like the part of himself-Robert De Niro, Brad Pitt, Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith, James Earl Jones, any member of One Direction, or Justin Timberlake.

37. Tony cannot "invent" any magical object from Harry Potter. Including the Mirror of Erised, which is basically just a TV with porn playing on repeat.

38. Tony cannot buy a motorcycle-if he does, at least tell him before hand that it's not an actual bike, or he may sue Harley Davidson for missing parts, and you'll have at least ten motorcycles in your garage.

39. Tony cannot buy any One Direction CD.

40. Tony cannot affiliate himself with any popular boy band, at all. Not even the Beatles. Because no matter how unlikely it seems, he _will _attempt to sue Paul McCartney for stealing One Direction's concept and like ability.

41. Tony cannot have a lawyer to "sue people with."

42. Tony cannot quote Barney Stinson.

43. Tony cannot act like Barney Stinson.

44. Tony is not Barney Stinson, and Steve is not Ted Mosby.

45. Tony cannot dress up as any other race for Halloween, or we'll get a lot of calls from Antonio Banderas.

46. Tony cannot invite the cast of "New Year's Eve" over.

47. Tony and Bruce cannot have exclusive slumber parties, or Thor will get his feelings hurt.

48. Tony cannot rate the other Avengers on hotness.

49. Tony cannot make Agent Fury number one on that list.

50. Tony cannot remove Agent Coulson from his earned position of number four on that list. Everything else is inappropriate.


End file.
